hey sweet friends, it’s been a bit long, hasn’t it? a year to be exact. this past year has held many changes. as i shifted from my early 20s into my later 20s, so did most aspects of my life.
if you have been reading with us for a long while, you may recall the incesant feeling i have carried inside of me, the simple knowledge that i will not be here as long as i think i will be. this is not the end, this is not it. it is this same feeling that has crept up before, during, and after every single relationship i have attempted since highschool. it is the reason that most of my apartment is still packed in boxes and nothing looks permanent, much less like a home. yet i have been in this area for nearly 9 years. nine. 2 years more than i have spent anywhere. over 2 years ago i began my dream job as a cardiac RN. a bedside nurse, learning & growing every single day. those days feel so long ago now. it seems that i merely blinked & instead of being a brand-new RN finding her way, i am a charge nurse & mentor, training up new RNs and helping lead my unit. leadership, mentorship, education- these are all gifts and opportunities that i am passionate about. i spend more time educating and advising new nurses than i actually spend practicing nursing. i find more & more shifts where i look around for someone more experienced to ask and realize that the few of us there are, aren’t on the same shifts much anymore. is this bad? not really, it is a sort of sign. when i began in my unit, i could not imagine a better job or environment in which to grow. and wow, did i grow. i have been blessed & enriched by every single experience i have received. even as happy as i have been, the feeling that this is temporary remained. i knew it was a true feeling, but i also knew it was not yet time. i knew i wanted at least 2 years of experience within my unit before i considered anything else. and then 2 years happened, and i celebrated with a trip to Nicaragua serving 1,300 patients at a mobile clinic! what an amazing week. something i have always wanted to do.
and then my birthday happened.
a couple of months after i returned home from Nicaragua, i found myself deeply under the covers, hiding from my birthday, hiding from my life. i found myself with very few friends left at work or church. most having become married and moved away or simply moved on. (not to mention what its like to be >25 and single). feeling like i had met everyone in this town, done everything there is to do, and aching for adventure. for new people. new opportunities & possibilities. but i felt trapped. feeling the weight of depression more heavily than ever before. i refused to celebrate my birthday this year because i felt so unhappy. “i am not happy” was the utterence of my soul for weeks. i cried more, slept less, felt far from God yet i knew in the depth of my soul that GOD was closer than my next breath. that His love endures forever.
i recalled a couple of weeks prior to my birthday in coming home from a long weekend at my sweet friend’s home out in the country, surrounded by stillness. it was so restoring, much like the weekends that i would spend as a teenager at my best friend’s farmhouse. returning to my city, i sat in my car outside of the hospital and cried. frustrated and lonely, wanting to return my cards to the deck & draw new ones. i soon found myself sitting in my counselor’s office asking if she thought i should be medicated. she shifted in her chair, tilted her head, and asked me what has changed, what would i be medicating? it was through this conversation, as well as many dark, deep, late-night convos with God, my mentor, my best friend(s), and my family that i came to realize that sweet friends- this may well be God’s nudging ” Daughter, it is time.” maybe i am so incredibly uncomfortable because God is making a way onto the next chapter that He has for me. in a way, i am grateful. because in this strange in-between time, He has made me quiet in heart. something i welcome.
praise God that He gave me the courage to sit down with my new manager and share my heart. tears spilled down my cheeks and into my lap as i told her that i love my job, and could not possibly be more grateful for all that i have received from it. but that in the past year & a half my life has changed drastically. my closest friends & my sister got married and moved on, many of my pastors had changed & moved away, several of my favorite coworkers weren’t there anymore, even my manager had moved on. my support system has completely transformed & become a handful of genuinely dedicated people who love me where i am. but while i am thankful for the provision of those friendships, i feel so alone. i am going to work empty, coming home cracked & dry. knowing that only Jesus can fill me, but also knowing it was Himself who said “it is not good for man to be alone.” praise our holy & good God that in these moments, He gave my manager a heart of compassion & understanding. as the tears fell from my broken heart, so did hers.
it is here dear reader, that i bring into focus where i am now. living simply by the grace of God given to me daily. as for now, i am going back to school & prayerfully considering a more advanced medical degree. i am also leaving. i am not certain when, or exactly how, but i feel strongly that it is time for me to step out of my comfort zone and into the unfamiliar(/terrifying). this is me, somewhat lost & disoriented. aware of the direction in which i am called, yet trembling & finding my way… would you pray for me as i look at my options & take steps? gratefully God is in control & prayerfully He will shut hard the doors that are not meant for me. <3
He is still so good.
yours truly,
thisbeautifulchaos
heart cry 